When to Disclose Your Mental Illness to Your Dates

Dating with a mental illness, especially bipolar disorder, can be a minefield to navigate. You need to find someone who will support you in all aspects of life, including your struggles with your mental conditions.

When to Disclose Your Mental Illness to Your Dates - CassandraStout.com

Finding such a person can be daunting. A lot of people who have little experience with mental illnesses tend to think that people with bipolar disorder are “crazy” and out of control. Stigma and awful stereotypes are very real. Some people may bolt as soon as they hear the word “bipolar.”

You have to communicate honestly with your significant other about your disorder, but first you have to disclose to them that you have one. But when do you disclose to your dates that you have more to deal with than a neurotypical person?

Honesty is the Best Policy

You may have a million questions when it come to dating. For example, when do you disclose your illness? Will you be honest on the first date or will you wait until you’ve gotten to know your date before letting them know? If you can’t work and are on disability due to your illness, how do you explain what you do? When do you let your date know if you’re on meds?

Unfortunately, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer to these questions. Dating looks different for everyone regardless of their mental conditions. When you disclose should always be up to you.

If you are just dating casually, disclosing your mental illness isn’t that important. But if you are looking for a long-term relationship, disclosing that you suffer from mood episodes should be your highest priority.

If you can hide your illness and let your boyfriend or girlfriend know months into a relationship that you’ve been keeping something so big a secret from him or her, then he or she might feel betrayed and break up with you, or worse.

When it comes to dating with an illness that is hard to hide and impacts your life every single day, then honesty is the best policy. Letting your date know on the second or third date, before either of you has invested too much into the relationship, is better than waiting until you’ve moved in together.

Tell your date about your disorder before you make any long-term commitments to that person. Explain what he or she can expect when you suffer a mood episode. Let them know what steps you usually take to manage your disorder, and the treatment team you have in place.

This way, your partner won’t be shocked when your moods and behaviors suddenly shift, and may even be prepared to help you through your mood episode.

Final Thoughts

Explaining your mental illness to your dates before you make a long-term commitment is crucial for your relationship to thrive.

Some people may run for the hills when you disclose your struggles. Let them. They wouldn’t have been capable of supporting you or committing to the whole you anyway. Find someone else who you know will be able to remain strong in the face of your mental illness.

Dating with a mental illness can be difficult. But if you are honest with your date about your mental condition before feelings start to grow, then you avoid the risk of alienating them and suffering from a hard breakup.

I wish you well in your journey.

When to Disclose Your Mental Illness to Your Dates - CassandraStout.com

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The Bipolar Parent’s Saturday Morning Mental Health Check in: Lightbox Edition

How are you? I genuinely want to know. My week has been busy.

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Hello, hello! Welcome to the Bipolar Parent’s Saturday Morning Mental Health Check in: Lightbox Edition!

How are you? Have you been getting some sun this week? How’s the weather holding up for you? How’s your mood been this week? What are you struggling with recently? What challenges have you been facing in parenting? Please let me know in the comments; I genuinely want to know.

The Bipolar Parent's Saturday Morning Mental Heatlh Check in: Lightbox Edition - CassandraStout.com

My Week

My week has been busy.

On Tuesday, I had an appointment with my primary care physician, who ordered blood tests to see if there are physical causes to my depression. I wasn’t fasting (I’d eaten snack at toddler group with my kiddo before the appointment), so I couldn’t take the blood tests until Wednesday, which I did.

On Thursday, I saw my psychiatrist. He boosted my dose of antidepressant (Wellbutrin), prescribed an anti-anxiety med (which starts with a B, but I can’t recall the name), and told me to get a lightbox, as I probably have seasonal affective disorder. He said the lightbox will probably cost $150-500 and may be reimbursed by insurance.

I told my husband about the lightbox, and his immediate response was, “Okay, I’ve ordered one on Amazon. It should be here tomorrow.” He told me that the one I needed (with 10,000 lux, or units of light) was on sale for $30. A second lightbox was on sale for $25, so he bought that one, too. So now I have two, one for my bedroom and one for my desk. I adore my husband.

On Friday, I walked to the store, pushing Toddler in the stroller, to pick up my prescriptions. Apparently the pharmacy only received orders for the antidepressant. I called my psych doc and left a message asking the office to re-fax the prescription order. I always play phone tag with them, which is extremely frustrating.

Taking care of my mental health is so difficult and expensive. There are multiple doctors involved, and our insurance has a high deductible which just reset this January. The antidepressant prescription was $51. So, with the addition of the lightboxes, that’s over $100 spent just this week, not to mention the cost of the doctor’s appointments.

I’ve also eaten out for lunch every day this week. Not because I couldn’t plan ahead and pack sandwiches, but because I’m depressed, and one of the ways I find myself trying to feel better is going to restaurants. It works in the moment, but afterwards I feel buyer’s remorse as each fast food meal is forgettable, unhealthy, and expensive.

Spending this much on myself makes me weak in the knees. My husband would say that I am worth the cost, and “it’s just money.” Having grown up below the poverty line, I am struggling with prioritizing my own wellbeing.

But I need to, if not for me, then at least for my kids. They deserve a mother who is sound in mind and body. I need to prioritize my own contentment. And stop going out to eat unless it’s a special treat, like our family Sunday brunch.

Wish me luck.

The Bipolar Parent's Saturday Morning Mental Heatlh Check in: Lightbox Edition - CassandraStout.com

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5 Ways to Celebrate National Random Act of Kindness Day

Whether they’re the giver or the receiver, everyone loves random acts of kindness. Monday, February 17th is National Random Act of Kindness day in 2020.

5 Ways to Celebrate Random Act of Kindness Day - Cassandrastout.com

Having a mental illness like bipolar disorder does not preclude you from being kind. And suffering from a mood episode is the time when you need people to be kind to you.

There are many ways you can offer a bit of yourself to someone else, even while dealing with a mental disorder.

Why not celebrate the holiday with one gentle act for someone else? Here are 5 ways to be kind to others.

1. Write a Letter or Thank You Note to Someone You’re Grateful to

In my opinion as a writer, there is no more powerful thing than the written word to show someone you care about them. “Words of affirmation” is my love language. I write thank you notes and letters to my loved ones all the time, and would love to receive a random letter in the mail anytime.

If you want to show someone you are grateful for their help over the years, why not sit down and pen a letter explaining your feelings? All it takes is paper, a pen, an envelope, a stamp, and time. Expressing yourself in a letter or thank you note is a powerful way to show that you’ve been thinking about someone.

2. Clean Up

Cleaning up, be it dishes you do for a roommate or trash you pick up in the park, is a great way to celebrate Random Act of Kindness Day.

If you are physically and mentally able, then pick up the living room or go out and collect trash from your neighborhood or nearby roads. There are many ways to volunteer your time helping tidy the areas you live in.

3. Forgive Someone

Anger damages the vessel its stored in more than the person its poured out upon. If you are carrying resentment around in your heart due to a hurt someone else caused you, consider trying to forgive him or her as an act of kindness.

Forgiveness can be one of the most difficult acts we embark on, but it is life-changing. If you forgive a deep-seated resentment, you will feel freer and lighthearted.

Consider writing a letter (see #1) explaining to the person who hurt you that you’ve decided to let bygones be bygones. Put the past in the past, and let the pain go.

4. Put Someone Else First

Being considerate of other people is a powerful act of kindness. If you put someone else first, be it as simple as letting him or her go first in line, or allowing another driver into your lane, then you can make someone’s day.

Let someone else have the first slice of pizza. You will be better off for it.

5. Take Care of a Pet or Child

Taking care of the most vulnerable among us shows that you have a good heart. If you have a pet or young child that needs tended to, why not spend some time helping them out?

Clean your pet’s food dishes. Donate some blankets to an animal shelter, or volunteer your time there. Walk a neighbor’s dog.

As for children, mentor a sibling. Listen to whatever lights your child’s fire. Take a neighbor’s kid out for ice cream.

Final Thoughts

There are many ways to celebrate National Random Act of Kindness Day, even if you’re suffering from a mental illness. You can write a letter, clean up, forgive someone, put someone else first, or take care of a pet or child.

You’ll feel better if you do.

I wish you well in your journey.

5 Ways to Celebrate Random Act of Kindness Day - CassandraStout.com

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The Bipolar Parent’s Saturday Morning Mental Health Check in: Appointments Edition

How are you? I genuinely want to know!

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Hello, hello! Welcome to the Bipolar Parent’s Saturday Morning Mental Health Check in: Appointments Edition!

How are you? How’s life treating you lately? What have you been up to this week? Have you been maintaining your self-care routine? How are the kids? What parenting challenges have you been dealing with lately? Please let me know; I genuinely want to hear from you!

The Bipolar Parent's Saturday Morning Mental Health Check in: Appointment Edition - CassandraStout.com

My Week

My week has been following the theme of the previous couple of weeks: utterly depressing. I just haven’t been myself lately. I’ve been struggling to do housework and the most basic of tasks, like brushing my teeth (ew).

I missed an appointment with my therapist on Monday. I completely forgot about it. Luckily, I was able to reschedule for Wednesday.

My therapist believes my depression may be seasonal. I have been unusually exhausted lately as well, so she asked me if I would a) get a physical and some bloodwork done with my primary care physician, and b) set up an appointment with my psychiatrist.

I have the appointment with the PCP on Tuesday of next week and the psychiatrist on Thursday. I am blessed to have a treatment team, and decent insurance.

On Thursday, I started potty training the toddler. She’s amazing at it. She only had a few accidents on Thursday; on Friday, she had one. I am so proud of her.

Unfortunately, I was so excited to potty train her, and so focused on asking “do you need to go potty?” every fifteen minutes, that I missed my morning meds (Welbutrin and vitamin D) on Thursday. That threw me for a loop for the whole rest of the week.

Wellbutrin shares a caffeine pathway, which means I can’t simply take it in the afternoon, or the medication will keep me awake at night. No sleep means mania for me, usually. I want to avoid that at all costs, as mania is much more destructive than depression in my experience.

On Friday, I did very little, except to fold 5 loads of laundry that had piled up on my bed. I also, to my chagrin, yelled at my son for making his sister scream. There’s something about a high-pitched, extended, hysterical screaming that goes right to my primal brain.

So that’s been my week. A week of big, stressful changes, that I’ve been experiencing through a thick fog of apathy. Hopefully my PCP and psychiatrist figure out what’s wrong and treat me accordingly. Thanks for listening, and wish me luck!

The Bipolar Parent's Saturday Morning Mental Health Check in: Appointment Edition - CassandraStout.com

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How Depression Interferes with Getting Things Done (GTD)

How Depression Interferes with Getting Things Done (GTD) - Cassandrastout.com

When you have depression, your natural inclination when faced with a to-do list is to crawl back into bed, right? Trust me, I’ve been there. When I’m depressed, I’d rather stick my hand into a box of tarantulas than load the dishwasher.

It’s rare that you do get the motivation to tackle something on your list. But, when you do, have you noticed that staying focused on that getting that task done is impossible?

Have you tried to complete a task like “pick up the living room,” only to end up staring at the mountain of toys, not knowing what to do next? I’ve been there, too.

Turns out there’s a scientific reason behind the inability to get things done (GTD) with depression. It’s called a “lack of cognitive control,” or, more colloquially, “executive dysfunction.” There’s even a disorder for it: executive dysfunction disorder.

Getting things done, or GTD, is a productivity system developed by David Allen. GTD encourages people to “brain dump” everything in their heads out onto paper, and then file that away into a trusted system. A trusted system involves calendars, your phone, and anywhere you’d like to schedule tasks.

But executive dysfunction interferes with GTD because a brain dump can be overwhelming for people with depression. I’ve written about executive dysfunction and how it relates to bipolar disorder before. But it’s been a while since that post, so I figured a refresher is in order.

What is Executive Function?

Executive function, when things are going well, is the ability to set goals and self-monitor. This means that you can recognize that picking up the living room requires you to pick up one toy at a time, rather than staring down a mountain of them.

Executive function is, in so many words, the ability to break tasks down into compartmentalized parts.

Most of the time, executive function, for people who have learned it (which is a whole ‘nother post), is automatic. But studies have shown the depression (and bipolar disorder, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) interferes with executive functioning. Breaking down tasks into parts is extremely difficult when you’re suffering from depression.

Which is why you end up being overwhelmed when looking at that mountain of toys. you literally cannot comprehend the steps it would take to clean the living room.

How to Cope with Executive Dysfunction

The good news is that executive dysfunction can be managed with ideas like these:

  1. Consciously break projects up into steps. I’ve written recently about how to break tasks and projects into steps, so I’ll just summarize here. Next time you’re facing a task, try writing down every step you can think of. Then put them in the order that you need to accomplish. Then tackle the task, one step at a time.
  2. Use time management tools such as colorful calendars and stopwatches. Once you write down the steps of a task, try timing yourself to get each step done. Make a game of it, and you’ll be able to complete the steps more quickly.
  3. Schedule repeating reminders on your computer or phone, using sites like Remember the Milk. Reminders can be extremely helpful. Use a calendar app on your phone to make appointments, and set notifications for thirty minutes ahead (or however long you need to get to the appointment). “Set it and forget it” gets the task out of your head and into a trusted system.
  4. Set goals in advance to coincide with ingrained habits, such as flossing your teeth right after brushing. Setting goals to follow ingrained habits is a great way to build new ones. They’re called “triggers,” and they’re a positive way to  build upon a foundation that you already have. When you do one habit, you immediately follow it with another. If you’re a tea drinker, try taking the trash out every time you boil water, and you’ll never have to remember to take the trash out again.

Final Thoughts

Structure is extremely important for people who suffer from depression. Executive dysfunction is a real problem.

Consciously breaking projects down into steps, using time management tools such as calendars and repeating reminders, and setting goals to coincide with ingrained habits are all ways to improve executive functioning.

You can do this. You can improve your executive functioning.

I wish you well in your journey.

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How Depression Interferes with Getting Things Done (GTD) - Cassandrastout.com

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The Bipolar Parent’s Saturday Morning Mental Health Check in: Apathy Edition

How are you? What have you been struggling with? Let me know!

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Hello! Welcome to the Bipolar Parent’s Saturday Morning Mental Health Check in: Apathy Edition!

How are you? Have you been keeping up with your self-care? How’s parenting going? What have you been struggling with lately? What’s been good in your life? Let me know!

The Bipolar Parent's Saturday Morning Mental Health Check in: Apathy Edition - CassandraStout.com

My Week

I’ve just been going through the motions this week. There’s been a serious disconnect between me and everything going on around me.

Except for the basics like pre-scheduled playdates and making dinner, I’ve done literally nothing but sit on the couch and play on my phone, and I’m not even enjoying that. No housework. Not enough engagement with my kids. I’ve had the doldrums lately.

I’ve also engaged in a lot of negative self-talk about my body. I’ve been on my menstrual cycle this week, which didn’t help my mood, and made me feel fat and gross. I’ve put myself down for being about 50 pounds overweight all week, and now I’m putting a stop to that. Negative self-talk has no benefit, and doesn’t help me want to lose weight at all. It just makes me feel bad.

I’ve scheduled an appointment to talk to my therapist on Monday. I called a warmline Friday evening, and the operator I talked to has bipolar disorder, which was very helpful. I could tell she understood bipolar depression, because she’s lived it. I’ll be meeting with my psychiatrist in March, though I might want to call his office and ask for an earlier appointment. We shall see.

So I’m taking steps to address this soul-sucking pit of depression that I’ve found myself in. Please keep me in your prayers.

-Cass

The Bipolar Parent's Saturday Morning Mental Health Check in: Apathy Edition - CassandraStout.com

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3 Easy Steps to Declutter Your House with Depression

3 Easy Steps to Declutter with Depression - Cassandrastout.com.

Decluttering the house when you have depression sounds like a nightmare. After all, decluttering is a huge project, isn’t it? Everyone has junk they need to get rid of in their homes, and some people (like me) have entire rooms filled with useless stuff.

And clutter can contribute to feelings of overwhelm and depression. Let me explain. If there’s a toy on the living room floor, every time you pass that toy, your brain makes a split-second decision as to whether to deal with that toy.

If you decide against dealing with that toy, the toy will remain on the floor, and every time you see it, you have to make a decision: pick up the toy and put it somewhere else, or leave it. Every time.

Say there’s 5 toys on the floor. That’s 5 decisions you have to make. You quickly begin to suffer from decision fatigue.

This is why a cluttered room is so overwhelming and difficult to start cleaning, especially when you have depression. You’re looking at the big picture.

What about Decluttering with Depression?

The trick to decluttering with depression is to break the rooms of your house down into compartmentalized parts. For example, if you were decluttering your kitchen, you’d break the room down like so:

  1. Spice cabinet
  2. Coffee bar counter
  3. Dish cabinet
  4. Cups cabinet
  5. Toaster counter

And so on. Rather than thinking you have to declutter the entire kitchen in a day, you can tackle one cabinet at a time. Break every room down into smaller parts, and you can work at your own pace.

If a cabinet is too much for you at once, then break the room down even further, separating out the top and bottom halves of the cabinet, or right and left halves.

3 Easy Steps to Declutter

But don’t think of decluttering as a big picture project, but a series of simple tasks. There are many ways to purge your stuff, but they all boil down to 3 easy steps:

  1. Sort
  2. Keep/Toss
  3. Reflect.

That’s it. Those 3 easy steps will help you declutter your entire house.

Sort

The first step in decluttering with depression is to sort your stuff.

Take a picture of the space you plan to declutter. This is important for the third step.

Pull everything out of the space. Spread the junk out on a table or bed so that everything is visible.

Next, sort the stuff into piles by category, asking yourself two questions, which you’ll answer honestly:

  1. Have I used this in the past 6 months?
  2. Does it fit my life today?

Then, sort the stuff into yes piles, where you answered yes to both of those questions, or no piles, where you answered no to both of those questions. The maybe pile is for 1 yes, and 1 no.

If you’re on the fence about sorting things into piles, or you think you’re keeping too much, simply ask yourself: Would I take this with me if I had to move today? That question cuts to the heart of the matter.

Once you have all the items sorted into one of three piles, you’re ready for step two.

Keep/Toss

Are you ready for step two? Take a hard look at your piles:

  1. Yes piles: Keep the items gladly, and find places for them in your home.
  2. No piles: Toss or donate the stuff!
  3. Maybe piles: Place these items into a box. Write the date on the box, and set the box aside in your garage or closet. If you haven’t touched the items in the box in 3-6 months, toss the entire box. If you find yourself pulling stuff out, then keep those items and find homes for them.

Reflect

Take another picture, and bask in the glow of a freshly-decluttered space. You did it! Congratulations!

Now think on how you can keep the space clear. Will you adopt a 1-item-in, 1-item-out policy? Don’t let anything into your life that you don’t know to be useful or believe to be beautiful.

Final Thoughts

Decluttering with depression isn’t as difficult as you might think. Break rooms down into smaller parts. Sort your items into yes, no, and maybe piles. Make decisions to keep or toss or set aside the stuff. And take before and after pictures for posterity.

Good luck!

How do you declutter your house? Let me know in the comments!

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3 Easy Steps to Declutter with Depression - Cassandrastout.com.

 

 

 

 

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The Bipolar Parent’s Saturday Morning Mental Health Check in: Home Edition

Hello!

How are you? How was your New Year’s eve? Did you go to a party? Stay at home? Did fireworks keep you up? Let me know in the comments, or email me! I promise to reply.

The Bipolar Parent's Saturday Morning Mental Health Check in: Home Edition - Cassandrastout.com

My Week

My week was lovely. My immediate family (husband and two great kids) just arrived home from a two-week trip to Arizona, where my mother-in-law lives. I adore her, so the trip was a great one.

We also spent time with my husband’s father and his wife, and my husband’s brothers. A great deal of my side of the family live in Arizona as well, so my husband and kids were able to visit them also.

But it’s good to be home. I missed my bed. I mentioned previously that I was having trouble sleeping without a sleep aid. I am pleased to announce that I successfully slept each night of the two-week trip without taking anything except my usual Risperidone. That was surprisingly difficult to do!

If you’re on meds, have they helped you? Thanks for listening!

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Ring in the New Year By Writing Yourself a Mental Health Vision Statement

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Ring in the New Year by Setting a Mental Health Vision Statement – CassandraStout.com

What do you want to accomplish in the next week? The next month? The next year?

A vision statement is usually reserved for businesses. It’s a purpose-driven overview of what the business owner wants to accomplish with their company. It should leave nothing to interpretation. You want to set this goal and contribute to the end result of the vision statement with little steps you can take during everyday life.

Most vision statements are an overarching goal of the company. For example, Disney’s is “make people happy.” There’s no reason you can’t write a personal, mental-health oriented vision statement. And yours doesn’t have to be nearly as ambitious, and you may want to center it on improving your own station rather than making other people happy, sometimes an impossible feat.

So how do you write a mental-health oriented vision statement to ring in the new year?

Basic Guidelines for Vision Statements

Here are the basic guidelines for vision statements. Keep in mind that you don’t have to follow all of these guidelines, but they’re good starting points.

  1. A vision statement should be short. A vision statement is a brief outline of your goals. It should be one-to-two sentences, max.
  2. A vision statement should be specific. What are you hoping to accomplish with your goal? Try to be as specific as possible. Disney’s vision statement, “make people happy,” is too general and too other-people focused for the vision statement you want to make.
  3. A vision statement should be simple. Everyone who hears or reads your vision statement should be able to understand it. The less complex you make your end goal, the more likely it is that you are to follow it.
  4. A vision statement should be ambitious, but achievable. When setting goals for yourself, you want to challenge yourself to accomplish great things. If you’re suffering from depression, such a challenge seems impossible to complete. That’s okay. You can adjust the level of ambition based on how you’re feeling. Like, “I will take a shower, feed myself, and make my bed everyday for six months.” These lofty goals are challenging for a depressed person, right? But definitely achievable.

Following these guidelines will help you write a compelling vision statement.

Vision Statement Examples

Using the above guidelines, set a goal for yourself which is mental-health oriented. Try to make the vision statement short, simple, specific, and ambitious but achievable.

For example:

  • “I will focus on self-care three days a week for eight weeks, which should improve my mood.”
  • “I will lose 11 pounds in three months by eating a Mediterranean diet, which may help treat my depression.”
  • “I will find a competent therapist and attend therapy as often as I can afford, but preferably once a month, for the next year.”

Try to stay true to yourself, and focus on the types of goals that you can achieve.

Final Thoughts

If you can, do some thinking about what kinds of overarching, mental-health oriented vision statements you want to set for the next six months to a year. Setting yourself an ambitious but achievable goal may encourage you to meet it, and hopefully take care of yourself in the new year.

Happy New Year!

What vision statement do you think you’ll set for yourself this year? Let me know in the comments!

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Ring in the New Year by Setting a Mental Health Vision Statement - Cassandrastout.com

 

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The Bipolar Parent’s Saturday Morning Mental Health Check in: Icy Road Edition

Hello, hello!

How are you? If you celebrate Christmas, how was it? Did you get to spend some time alone? How are you doing on your self-care routines? Let me know in the comments!

My Week

My week has been a mixed bag. On the one hand, I spent time with family and had a great time playing games like Hearts and Hand and Foot.

On the other hand, I suffered from gastrointestinal issues for five days, including Christmas, where I had to lie down for several hours. We’re all a little sick over here, with various ailments. I was thinking that my nausea was a side effect of my doubled dose of Wellbutrin, but that remains to be seen.

But the illnesses didn’t take away from the magic of the holidays for me. I’m so glad I get to spend time with family who loves me, and we love each other.

Right now we’re driving up a snowy road to visit my side of the family. I’m so excited!

Thanks for listening.

Snow and clear skies! Welcome to Arizona!
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